The State of Me

It seemed time for a life update. There have been so many changes so far this year, and yet I'm still not achieving all that I hoped I would. (Disclaimer, I may be a bit of an overachiever.)

I can't believe that Top Shelf Digital & Social Media Marketing has become a reality. I've been dreaming of this for nearly two years, and yet it took the perfect storm of circumstances for everything to fall into place.

Sam's getting ready to decide where he'd like to match for his orthopedic hand fellowship, and his final interview (at UC Davis) takes place next week. We'll know where we're heading next at the end of May 2015 and we'll make the transition in July 2016.

There is a lot of travel on the horizon. Much more than in years past. Sam and I are headed to Italy in May to celebrate the wedding of two very dear friends of ours. A few weeks later, I'm visiting France and Spain for the first time with my parents and sister.

We have some BIG weddings to look forward in upcoming months as well. Ryan and Jen will tie the knot in May followed by Kip and Elya (in Italy), then Ryan and Amanda are getting hitched in June, Nathan and Jasmin in August, and finally Lorin and Kathryn in September.

We are salt-n-peppering some family time in between these exciting events - my family will be here at the end of this month and Sam's parents are treating us to a weekend staycation in Laguna Beach next month.

Creating a Digital Portfolio

I have long avoided creating a digital portfolio. I didn't want another digital platform to manage and maintain, being that I'm a perfectionist and doing something half-way isn't an option for me.

The time and energy held me back for quite a while, and I even opted to create a PowerPoint PDF portfolio when I decided to launch Top Shelf Digital Marketing. It took me two pitches to realize that I wasn't doing myself or my new brand justice, and I called upon the expertise of a dear friend.

This friend, one of my housemates in college, recently launched a digital portfolio which she used (in addition to her remarkably quick wit and superior copywriting skills) to land a job at Big Spaceship in New York City known for its work with Google, Lucas Films Ltd., and 20th Century Fox among a long list of seriously impressive global brands.

I signed up with Squarespace, which was the same platform my elite copywriting maven used, and voila, I had my very own pretty cool looking digital portfolio. Of course, I'm already guilty of revising and rewriting the content of my digital portfolio as per my own set of guidelines culled from several digital portfolio blogs. As a self-aware perfectionist, I expect this to be a constantly evolving web presence, something fluid that changes to reflect new projects and client work as I go forward in my career. And that's okay. It's a helluva lot better than doing nothing.

Freedom and Freelance

Freelancing is incredibly different this time around. I have such a better understanding of how to pitch new business, what kinds of documents clients want to see, etc. I'm also a lot better equipped to assess what jobs and projects are a good fit or something that I'm not likely to enjoy/excel at. I am incredibly thankful for my taste of agency life, and it's absolutely helped me grow in my never-ending quest for self-improvement and career advancement.

One skill that I've always been very strong at is organization - even at the agency I was consistently complimented on my mastery of details and project management. I find that organization is a blessing and a curse, because if my work space isn't organized I have a very hard time focusing. Over the years, I've learned that time spent improving my environment on the front-end usually translates to success at the back-end. For that reason, I spent most of my first week "off" putting my things away and reorganizing my desk in our guest room. Things are now exactly as I want them and I'm able to focus on potential projects without the clutter of piles of paper all over. 

Another thing that's changed this time through funemployment is how exhausted I am. I think that agency life took a much greater toll on my emotional health than I realized, and my body is trying to recuperate and acclimate to its stress-free state. I used to be able to get to bed at 9-9:30 and be up at 4:30 for Kaia, but I didn't even make it up by 6:45 the past two days.  I am hoping that my energy level rebounds soon so that I can get into a routine. 

One of the things that is always challenging working from home is time management. I've had a significantly more challenging time with that this time around, probably because I'm much more serious about launching a freelance career, improving my fitness and finding that ever-elusive work-life balance than I was last time around. I think I have a huge fear that I'll repeat my history of focusing 110% on work and going down the rabbit hole of poor eating habits. Then again, I am so much more aware of my personal needs than I have been at any other point in my career. Perhaps I've done more growing up more in the last 18 months than I realize. 

Saying Goodbye

I'm not thrilled at the way my last day at the marketing and PR agency played out. 

I don't know what I could have done to have improved things, and I've thought about it a lot. There is so much that's out of our hands as employees and it is so frustrating. Our agency principal left the office early on Friday without so much as telling me goodbye and she didn't come in yesterday, which ended up being my last day.

I didn't manage my resignation as well as I could have, and I allowed my superiors to dictate my last day. That wouldn't have been so terrible except that I never was notified what my last day would be. Instead, our agency principal called me yesterday morning and let me know that she felt that we could wrap things up and have that be my last day. Okay, fine. I take some responsibility in that. I really do. I should have called out a final date and then offered to be flexible in pushing it back if need be. 

What really disappointed me, was the fact that I wasn't given an exit interview and there was no in person farewell from the agency principal, who knew she would be out of the office on Monday and Tuesday, one of which would be my final day. 

Life goes on, and this whole experience has definitely taught me a lot of lessons in what I don't want to be as a manager. It also taught me the value in being the bigger person and taking the high road. Each of my co-workers was equally outraged by the poor performance set by the agency principal and I know that I left in good standing with my head high.

I will absolutely miss the incredibly talented team of girls I was able to work with - I wish them nothing but the best and anticipate they will all have incredibly bright futures ahead of them.  

Resignation

I've resigned twice in my career. I didn't have anything lined up prior to leaving in either occasion. That may be a sign of my lack of forethought, but I promise that both times it was a very rational decision that I had considered for quite some time prior to pulling the trigger.

Most recently, I resigned from a prestigious marketing and public relations agency specializing in foodservice clients. I had been an account executive for just over a year and was promoted to senior account executive just prior to giving my notice.

This was a decision that I deliberated over with my husband. Finally, one morning Sam asked me to walk our dog with him. We went for a long walk, during which Sam said , "I stayed up watching The Pursuit of Happiness and I would live in a BART station bathroom with you." There was a lot more said, but that line was the highlight and the gist was that I was obviously not happy in my current job for a variety of reasons and it was time to figure out what I really wanted to pursue.

That was one of the most intense conversations of my life. Sam and I set out from our apartment with me dead opposed to the thought of leaving my job, and by the time we had arrived back at our gate, I was ready to try something completely new.

And I resigned yesterday.

It was well-received by my supervisor and our agency principal, so I decided to be professional and offer to stay and train my replacement if need be. They seemed very eager to take me up on that, so only time will tell when I'm really out of there.

A Little Life Update

I know I haven't been posting too regularly but I am making an effort to stop sacrificing all of the things I love and enjoy doing in my free time starting in March.

It's been too long since I was at the gym, wrote a blog post, tried a new recipe, etc.

I knew I was signing on for long hours when I took the agency job in December, but I was naive to how long the hours would truly be.  At best, I get to the office at 8:30 a.m. and leave at 5:30 p.m. when my workday is technically over.  The catch, is that there is that things seem to have a nasty habit of popping up between 4:30 - 5:30 just as I'm thinking about winding down.  Or, I start logging my billable time at 4:20 but it takes me 20 - 30 minutes to complete because I make meticulous notes to help my Account Coordinate do the billing.  On top of that, we're supposed to be billable 7 hours a day, which doesn't sound too bad until you think about the time you spend in the bathroom, your lunch break, the miscellaneous time you have waiting for a meeting to start or recapping the topics that were discussed on a call with a client for your billing reports.  So sometimes I have to stay after 5:30 just to try to make my billable hours.

Since taking this job, my TMJ disorder has come roaring back to life and I am not getting the relief from my mouthguard the way I have in the past.  My suspicion is that after 4 years I have probably clenched so much that I need to replace it, and I have an appointment later this month to see my dentist and have new impressions taken.

Then there is the stress level.  I'm going to be seeing a new family medicine doctor next week and I want her to reevaluate my anxiety medication and see if maybe there is something that's a better fit for me.

So things are going to have to change moving forward.

A dear friend of mine (a PR professional who was working at an agency at the time) gave me some very real advice that I pass out as often as possible:

The first three months of a new job are terribly hard because you're just learning the system.  The second three months of a new job are horrible because you start to understand what you really got yourself into, but you're still figuring out your system to be successful.  At six months in, you've started to form your routine and you're beginning to feel like you're able to perform your required duties.

It's funny, in a meeting yesterday I had the mounting feeling of dread that I had so many responsibilities and so many deadlines over the next few days that I began to feel overwhelmed.  And then, an interesting thing happened, the thought occurred to me that I should put all of the pitching deadlines at the bottom of my daily task sheet at the beginning of each month so that I see them all and am reminded to chip away at them little by little.  Wow.  What do you know, I'm starting to come up with my own system for success and I've been there nearly 11 weeks.

Back in January, as I was lamenting the death of my personal life and the onslaught of stress and pressure, my dad told me that it takes roughly one year to become competent at a new job.  He promised me that by Thanksgiving I would feel 180 degrees different than I felt at that moment.

I know he's right, but sometimes I wish the timing of this opportunity had come six months earlier... but then again, I was able to accomplish SO MUCH for our wedding while I was working for my last company that maybe this is all for the best.  I will tell you this much, I LOVE my team and what I do.

I just need to remember that there are less than six months before our wedding, and I am still not in the physical shape I want to be in.  It's tough to leave Hunter alone for another hour and a half and get my workout in on weeknights, but hopefully Sam can help me pick up the slack there because I need to find a routine that gets me moving and commit to making healthy, vegetable laden dinners.

Agency Living

I started 2014 with a new job - exciting times, for sure.  But also trying.

This week I worked an 11+ hour day on Monday, a 10+ hour day on Tuesday, and a 9+ hour day today.  I have been trying to keep to a healthy eating schedule (which has been interesting because I am so busy I rarely eat an actual meal at midday) and get to the gym (which has been less than successful) in what little free time I have.   

Last night, I was working on a blog post for my professional blog and I started nodding off around 9:30 sitting on the couch with my laptop.  I'm not joking.  I told Sam, I am incredibly honored to have been hired by this very prestigious agency but at the same time, I am suffering the loss of my personal life and have no work-life balance whatsoever.  Which is probably doubly difficult because in my last job I had the hang of everything, was working from home three days a week and had a very healthy personal life - I know, I was really spoiled.  One thing I do know, I am NOT going to let this get in the way of my health and fitness goals.  I let work consume me when I started at my last company and my eating habits went completely out the window... not so this time around!

Truth be told, it was a rough couple of days from Thursday afternoon to Tuesday morning working on a huge project for a HUGE client with an incredibly tight deadline.  I was wondering if I made a HUGE mistake on Monday night and was so worried that I'm not cut out of this that quitting actually entered my mind.  Talk about craziness!  Everything looked much better by Tuesday morning when I reassured myself that worst case scenario meant I would lose [another] job but more likely than not, the project would end and life would get back to normal.  Luckily, I was right.  

Tonight I am feeling simultaneously very proud and very overwhelmed.  The agency principle came to me today after reviewing my social media posts for our luxury jewelry designer and diamond client and told me they were fantastic... she asked me how much my other team members had revised my first draft and I said they each made one or two changes, which she was very pleased to hear.  She brought a jewelry magazine and several fashion sections from our local newspapers that she wanted me to read and come up with pitches for.  She also said I need to start looking at the big fashion and jewelry magazines on a regular basis so that I get accustomed to the industry's style of writing and colloquial terms.   

It all sounds like a lot of work, especially when I have marketing and SEO books lined up on my nook that I haven't gotten time to read yet.  I suppose this is what I'll start doing for fun... reading magazines when I get home from work.  C'est la vie.  I guess it's better than watching lots of TV but it takes a lot more brainpower too, and (as with all new jobs) I am completely mentally exhausted by the time I get home.  The last thing I want to do is work on "homework" and yet there are some seriously important things I need to read, chiefly all the bios and pitches we've done for the diamond client because I am going to be pitching him to a couple of publications this week.  

Pitching... eek!  As with everything in this job, I am diving right into the deep end and learning to swim on the fly.

Loss

One of my mentors was terminated from her job a little over a year ago, and she's been a great resource to me during the last week.

She reminded me that it's important for me to get clear on my goals and what I want out of a job and career before I start applying to positions.  Oops.  I already sent my resume out a few times to various people who had me recommended to them via mutual colleagues.

Anyway, the other thing I was told, is that being let go from a job is a loss that has stages similar to grieving.  She told me that it's important to feel the emotions and embrace them and then move on from them.

And she's right.  It's an emotionally devastating thing to "lose" a job.  And really, I didn't lose it, my responsibilities were divided up and spread around the remaining coworkers at the office.  I know exactly where my job is, it's with M, A & D.  And they cannot do even half of the things I was able to do, so I wish them the very best of luck trying to fill my shoes.

I am so upset that I feel as though I did something wrong.  I'm upset my boss told me that he didn't want me to feel like I was being thrown out the front door, because that wasn't what he was doing... but that's exactly what he did.  I'm irritated that four people were hired after me and yet I am the one without a job.

I am so frustrated.

Letting Go

It's hard to let go of something you put so much of yourself into.  I had so many things I was working on, so many things that I wanted to accomplish in the next year.

I had so much dedication and loyalty to my company, my coworkers and my goals.  I was so determined to make it successful.

And it is incredibly disappointing to walk away from all of that.  It feels so much like failure.

My wonderful family and amazing future husband have been very positive and have done their very best to remind me that I'm a very talented young woman and I have been successful and will continue to be successful regardless of whether my former employer can see what he's missing.

My vendors have been incredibly supportive as well.  I waited until last night when they started calling me, and then this morning I reached out to the vendors who hadn't already been in touch.  Everyone was equally as shocked as me.  They gave me rave reviews on my LinkedIn page, which I am incredibly grateful for.  I a

I went into the office yesterday to turn in the rest of the hardware I'd had in my home office and it was so bittersweet.

On one hand, I know that the people I built relationships with at work were really sad to see me go.  They were very supportive and wished me the best.  It was very nice to hear that my vendors have been giving my coworkers and boss nothing but positive feedback about working with me and that I am a very talented and creative individual who they enjoyed and appreciated immensely.

That does make me feel very warm and fuzzy inside.

And my vendors have started canvassing their own networks to see if there is any freelance or consulting business for me in addition to in-house full-time positions.

I realize Thanksgiving isn't until next week, but this whole experience is reminding me how lucky I am to have the support system that I have.

"I'm going to have to let you go"

I went into my boss's office on Monday at 2:05 for our usual, bi-monthly marketing meeting.  I was running a few minutes late because I had received an email from Twitter that our password had been changed so I had to alert them that I hadn't done anything of the sort and change the password back.  When I arrived at my boss's office, our HR manager was there, but I didn't think too much of it.  When I sat down, I had a page of notes to remind me to follow up on our ongoing marketing initiatives and plan for the following two quarters.

As I sat down, my boss began talking.  He said, "I was crunching some numbers over the weekend and it turns out we're not losing money, we're bleeding money.  And I think I'm going to have to..." he paused, and took a moment to compose himself.

He's going to renege on the raise he gave you 6 days ago,  I told myself.

He started again, "I've decide I'm going to have to let you go."

I sat there in a stunned silence.  He started going on about the checks he had cut me, one for the past pay period, one paying me out through the end of the week (which would have been my PTO), and then the reimbursements for my cell phone and internet bills.  My mind was wandering so I was only half paying attention to what he said.

Let me go, but you just gave me a superlative annual review on the November 7, and you gave me a raise on November 11 with another raise promised on June 1, 2014.  You can't possibly be letting me go.

It dawned on me that when I received an email from Twitter saying that our password had been changed it was because the HR assistant was already going through and systematically locking me out of all of the social media and website administration.

What a shot to the gut.

Not only were they letting me go, they didn't trust my professionalism and integrity enough to believe that I wouldn't vindictively tamper with the department and marketing program I worked so hard to build in the last two years.

I was completely removed from the system by the time one of my favorite coworkers helped me carry my belongings to my car.  Standing there, putting his contact information into my phone, I received a message alerting me that my Microsoft Exchange credentials had been changed.

I called Sam, then my Dad and finally my sister while I was driving home and they all expressed the same shock I was feeling.  People don't get magnificent reviews followed by raises and then get laid off.  Certainly not within a two week period.  But I guess they do, because it happened to me.

The bigger shot through my heart came the following morning when I had to watch the emails popping up in my inbox letting me know that I was no longer an administrator for this social media platform or that social media platform.  Yeah, I get it.  I finally logged into the remaining platforms and removed myself.  Pulling the bandaid off quickly is truly less painful than just sitting there waiting for the emails.

Create Something Awesome

Seth Godin wrote a post that I couldn't agree more with: Perhaps you could just make something awesome instead.

I often feel like there is a lot of pressure put on marketers to manipulate the facts about a product or service to drum up interest and generate sales.  I understand that's part of my job, but I believe that is only to an extent.  I do not believe in trying to get people to buy into a lie.

I would much prefer that we just make something awesome instead, something that doesn't need to be 'spun' in a positive light.  It's kind of like the articles poking fun at Microsoft for all their smear campaigns putting down Apple products.  Can't they just talk about how great the Microsoft products are instead?  Maybe they can't.  And consumers are smart enough to perceive when brands are being evasive and trying to put down the competition to stay relevant.

Thankfully, I don't have to do much faking it with my marketing, but I am painfully aware that some of my colleagues do.

Rejected

Five weeks ago I was hopeful.  I had been feeling restless about my future and wanted affirmation that
things were going to be okay and that I was headed in the right direction.  I thought I might be standing on the precipice of change.  I thought I wanted things to change.

In the weeks since I have been less and less sure that I desire a change.  There is so much comfort in what we know.  I waited patiently and impatiently depending on how my day was going.

Finally, I started convincing myself that the outcome doesn't matter.  My life is great, I am lucky and I don't need more than I have.

Today I the equivalent of a rejection letter from a college admissions office.  Wow.

I am surprised at how disappointed I am.  How personal the rejection is.  How much I want to go home and crawl into my bed and just escape to sleep.

Instead, I shoved my face full of white cheddar rice cakes and totally blew my calories for today on FitOrbit.  Smooth, Gi.  Real smooth.  Can you say "emotional eating" with me?  This is such a hurdle for me- I self-soothe with food.  It's a lose-lose for me.  Which is so frustrating!  I am upset and feel badly about myself and then I go and screw up my fitness plan which only makes me feel worse.  Cue the vicious, depressive cycle.

So what did I do?  I messaged Amanda and acknowledged that today I failed at something I hoped to succeed at.  And I owned my caloric SNAFU.  Yes, I overate today.  But am I going to throw in the towel, skip my workout, buy a pint of ice cream on the way home and wallow in my self-pity?

Hell no!

I am getting out of here and hitting the gym to complete my daily workout!  And then, I am going to eat  a healthy, balanced dinner- I am not going to make myself feel guilty and try to skip dinner.  (Yes, I really have done that before, but no, it is rarely successful and usually just means I am going to snack later.)  Today is ONE DAY in my week, month, year, life.  It's okay that it wasn't perfect, I have another chance tomorrow and life will go on.

Seth says "Lead Up"

Here's a passage from Seth Godin's blog post Lead Up:

"A successful middle manager gets promoted when she takes the right amount of initiative, defers the right amount of credit and orchestrates success. That success might happen despite (not because) of who her bosses are, and that's just fine, because she's leading up."

Easier said than done, Seth. Still good advice.  Too often I hear people blaming external circumstances for their failure and inability to succeed.  The truth is we have more control of our situations than we like to think.  

I can eat doughnuts or I can work out- those choices are going to affect my weight loss.  I can blame the office's stockpile of sweets or I can blame my own poor self control.  Obviously it's less fun to take accountability for the things that aren't perfect in life, but that's part of being an adult. 

Ryan, DDS

Sophomore year in Isla Vista 

Tomorrow I get to take the day off of work and attend a very special graduation ceremony for Sam's college roommate, Ryan, as he becomes the first DDS (and I think doctor of any kind) in his family.  

Ryan and I became really close during undergrad because he and Sam shared a room Junior and Senior year, and because Ryan and I have very similar families.  From the get-go we meshed really well and I always loved making dinner as a house, hearing how his parents and sisters were doing, and spending free time down at the beach.  As you can see from these photos of us, there was also quite a bit of drinking... but I will say this, I only had to take him to urgent care once (that I remember) for injuries sustained while drunk.  

Junior year in Isla Vista

Ryan is one of those guys who is actually a wonderful person.  It's hard to come by guys like that these days, although I am certainly blessed to know quite a few upstanding dudes.  Ryan was always a great moral compass without judging too much.  He had good advice for me and sought out advice about his life from me.  I would say Ryan is someone I absolutely consider to be a brother from another mother!

Anyway, poor Sam is stuck at work tomorrow, oh the joys of residency and especially 2nd year of residency.  So I will be attending Ryan's graduation solo (and meeting up with lots of the old UCSB crew.  We bought him a gift to commemorate the occasion, something he will be able to have a long time and enjoy.  Or so we hope.

Ryan is definitely one of those friends that I know Sam and I will be close to for the rest of our lives.  Just like some of my parents' friends who they've been tight with since high school and college.  Despite the distance we'll face as Ryan moves back to Northern California to start his career in dentistry, I am sure we'll still keep in touch and visit each other as often as we can.  That's just the kind of guy Ryan is.  Thoughtful, kind, someone who makes the effort to spend your birthday with you- even if it means driving out of his way and changing his plans.

Senior year at the Del Playa house in Isla Vista

Career Milestones

This morning I submitted my first-ever press release to a wire service for mass distribution.  Wow. 

Not only did we get picked up by a few online news channels- yes, we actually did get published- my contact information was listed as the person to direct questions to.  Wow. 

I feel like a big girl with a big girl job today.  Sometimes I really amaze myself.

Also, Sam received word that he officially is licensed by the state of California to practice medicine (or at least write prescriptions) yesterday.  I am very proud of both of us today... dare I say our careers are on the right track?

Happiness

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!  

I love you!

*Note* I do not mean to sound like I am bragging, but this was the best week of my career.

No, seriously, it was the coolest.  I got to redesign the company logo... well I'm still working on it, but hopefully I will be done sometime next week.  And I got to know the other 9 people in the company- some a little better than others.  The techs who perform the installations, maintenance, and cabling are all REALLY nice.  I especially like our HR woman who is the only other girl in the office.  She and I have been bonding over our history in sports (hers in soccer and mine in water polo) and I also really like her husband, the tech supervisor/manager.  He set up my new MacBook with both OS and Windows operating systems and set up a VPN (virtual private network) so that I can run all our office programs and access our servers from home.  My boss, the CEO/President/Owner, gave me permission to work from home for an hour or two in the morning or afternoon if it's too noisy in the office and I'm being distracted.  Right now, I don't think I'll need to do that... but it's good to know that I have the option.  In all seriousness, I will probably wait until we start heavily launching the social media campaign to do something like that, and also until I have my company phone.

On that topic: they want me to have a work cell phone, and have given me two options.

• The first option is to use my own personal cell phone and have the company set up a google voice phone number for me to use professionally that will forward to my cell phone.  The downside of that, is all outbound calls would have my cell phone number on caller ID unless I block it.  A former co-worker told me that she would NOT recommend blocking my number because many people (myself included) don't answer unknown calls.  I also don't know if I could sync my personal Mac calendars with my Outlook calendar on my iPhone or if I have to choose one to be primary.  
• The other option is that the company would provide me with a cell phone to be used only professionally... which is kind of a cool idea because then I would be able to keep a clean division between work and personal communication.  It does, however, complicate matters because then I have 2 phones to keep track of and probably a new phone to learn because it's doubtful they would get me an iPhone... although they did get me a MacBook.  

In addition to getting to know my new co-workers, I also had two business lunches- my first ever!  Wednesday I took my boss' place at a leads sharing luncheon and Friday we met one of the Senior Board Members for our city's Chamber of Commerce.  My boss asked me to make an effort to attend some of the Chamber's monthly meetings when the start back up in January, so stay tuned for more on that.

All in all, life is going well for me... I am eager to end classes this coming week because as it is I am going straight from work to class on Mondays and Wednesdays and Sam has been complaining that he never gets to see me.  My how the tables have turned!  In all seriousness, it's doubtful that I would take 2 classes while working full-time at this job.  I will possibly take one class in January, but the one offered is supposedly very academic and numbers oriented so I am a little concerned about my ability to juggle that and the responsibilities of my job.  

Time will tell!

Back To Work

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am officially back in the workforce as of Monday.  I accepted a job as a Marketing Manager at a small communications technology company in Lake Forest, ironically just around the corner from my previous company's building.  That should make for some exiting run-ins at the food court!

So far, I really like all of my new coworkers.  There are 2 front office guys, the owner/CEO/president, 4 service techs, 1 sales guy, the HR woman, and myself.  Yes, that means there are only 2 ladies in the office... unless you count the owner's dog, Mindy, who is our mascot and comes to work every day.  

I have definitely take a HUGE bite that will probably take some chewing, but I am really happy in my new environment.  Despite the unavoidable headaches that I will probably be experiencing when things get underway, I think this is an unbelievable opportunity for me and certainly something that I am excited to pursue.

And now, I am headed to bed (where Sam has been for an hour already) because I am making the effort to be a little more professionally dressed at work this time around.  If anyone has any marketing connections, I would greatly appreciate any and all advice that I can get- I am trying to build myself a support network so that when things come up that I haven't seen before I have people I can rely on for help.

PS- I am now one of those people who puts a notepad next to the bed because in the middle of the night last night I was up, mind racing, and the only way I could get it to calm down was by writing everything on paper.

PPS- Next week my Fall Quarter marketing classes end, which I could not be more excited about.  It's tough going to work 8-5 and then straight to class until 9:30! 

Contending with the Wall

It's been a rough road for me the past three months.  Continually putting myself out there via resumes and cover letters and being rejected time and time again has not been fun.  "Frustration" does not even begin to describe the feeling of knowing that I can do this and not having the chance to prove myself.  At the end of September, I finally hit the wall: I didn't want to work out.  I didn't want to send out resumes.  I didn't even want to get dressed in the morning.  I was consumed with the fear of being a failure.  Afraid of admitting that maybe I wasn't going to succeed in changing my career to marketing.  

Until three weeks ago, I had been too proud to admit that I may fail.  Inexperience and the tough economy are factors outside my control that are working against me.  And, I admit it now, I may not get my dream job.  I certainly feel beaten down, broken, and as if the whole world is against me.  I honestly can't say if I have the energy and stamina to keep this up.  

I remember an early morning swim set during the fall of my sophomore year of high school.  It was still dark out, biting cold, and we were swimming 50 yards freestyle.  Being the mathematician that I am, I miscounted what number I was on and sprinted my second-to-last 50 yards  thinking I was done.  

"I can't do it," I panted to Coach Drew.  My arms were heavy and my legs were burning.

"Yes you can, Gianna.  You've just hit the wall.  You're going to sprint this last 50, and break through that wall.  Crush that wall."

Sure I would pass out, and gasping for breath, I pushed off the side of the pool and swam like my life depended on it.  I did not die that morning.  I finished that set, and others, before hitting the showers and heading to class.  He was right, I did have it in me to go just a little further.  

That same year, Coach Drew sat us down as a team and read us this quote: 

You have to start by wanting to be a contender, the man coming up, the man who knows there's a good chance he'll never get to the top, the man who's willing to seat and bleed to get up as high as his legs and his brain and his heart will take him.  -Robert Lipsyte, The Contender

So, here's the epic question I am faced with: How do you know if you're up as high as your legs and your brain and your heart will take you, or if you just need to break through your wall?

PR & Advertising

Last night, my second class of the quarter started and I must say I am impressed.  Both classes I am enrolled in are going to be incredibly interesting.  The PR & Advertising class on Wednesday nights is broken into 2 parts, the first 60-90 minutes will be devoted to a guest speaker (mostly PR people) and the second 90-120 minutes will be lecture based.

It's incredibly interesting to hear these PR professionals speak about their jobs and see first hand what power they wield in shaping consumer trends.  I must admit I am very intrigued by theories of persuasion and coercion, possibly thanks to my mentor at UC Davis, and I like the idea that it's possible to shape an entire product's success based on the decisions marketing teams make.  I seem to be just a little power-hungry, no?

I think what I'm finding I really want is to make a difference.  Sam comes home and talks about saving people's lives- literally saving their lives- based on the decisions and diagnoses he makes on a day-to-day basis.  And what have I done?  Most days I'm happy to have submitted two job applications, made it to the gym, accomplished errands (groceries, laundry, etc.), and cooked dinner.  Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting those are not important things.  On the contrary, I can personally attest to the commitment required to have a fresh-cooked meal and eat as as 'family' every night.  There's also the task of menu planning which can be a bit overwhelming when you're trying to work with a budget, be heath-conscious, and also vary your meals.  I also appreciate the time it takes to do laundry: wash, dry, fold, put away.  But when Sam finishes telling me about his day and asks, "So how was your day?  What did you do?"  I would like to have something substantial to tell him about... and I think this is the key point, I want to have something I personally view as substantial.  I applaud the individuals who want be homemakers- one look at our apartment and you will see that I love coordinating my decor with the seasons, and I am definitely known to be a fan of home cooking, but I aspire to more.  I want to be somebody, and not just somebody who goes to work and pushes paper around.  I want to make a difference.

To tie this into popular culture, here's a great quote:

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking.  Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." -Steve Jobs 

Hypnotic Writing

I started fall classes with the UCI extensions program on Monday night after a hiatus during the Spring and Summer quarters.  I'm taking two classes this fall, Writing for Marketers and Public Relations & Marketing, which I'm told will be very helpful in developing my composition skills.  One of my assigned books is Hypnotic Writing, which I'd been perusing prior to the start of class and really started diving into two nights ago while Sam was watching the premier of Terra Nova.

Hypnotic Writing is built around the premise that every author has to compete with all kinds of distractions that compete for the attention of the reader.  You, for example, may be reading this during a break at work, or while making dinner.  I myself have been working on laundry while composing this post.  The challenge for the writer is to be engaging enough that readers CHOOSE to focus on our message.

This applies to all the resumes and cover letters I've been sending out over the last several weeks.  I am keenly aware that I am one of many applicants vying for a few moments of attention from a hiring manager who has countless distractions beyond filling a job opening.  And yet I find it difficult to sell myself.  I am more than just a single page of words, carefully crafted and formatted, trying to appeal to someone in the vast corporate world.  I am a writer, sister,  a (former) athlete, a best friend, a weekend warrior, a daughter, an avid reader, a fitness freak, a client, a team player, a perpetual student, a lover of good food and wine... where is the space for those things on my resume?  The most difficult part of job searching is forgetting those wonderful attributes to which companies give no thought during a hiring process.  Every day, I focus on the things that I have accomplished professionally, leaving out the unique parts that make me the person I am, and I'm starting to forget that I have a lot of great qualities that I don't give myself credit for.  As this job search goes on, I am going to remind myself that this is just a chapter in my book, and the hardest moments in life are the most defining of a person's character.