Letting Go

It's hard to let go of something you put so much of yourself into.  I had so many things I was working on, so many things that I wanted to accomplish in the next year.

I had so much dedication and loyalty to my company, my coworkers and my goals.  I was so determined to make it successful.

And it is incredibly disappointing to walk away from all of that.  It feels so much like failure.

My wonderful family and amazing future husband have been very positive and have done their very best to remind me that I'm a very talented young woman and I have been successful and will continue to be successful regardless of whether my former employer can see what he's missing.

My vendors have been incredibly supportive as well.  I waited until last night when they started calling me, and then this morning I reached out to the vendors who hadn't already been in touch.  Everyone was equally as shocked as me.  They gave me rave reviews on my LinkedIn page, which I am incredibly grateful for.  I a

I went into the office yesterday to turn in the rest of the hardware I'd had in my home office and it was so bittersweet.

On one hand, I know that the people I built relationships with at work were really sad to see me go.  They were very supportive and wished me the best.  It was very nice to hear that my vendors have been giving my coworkers and boss nothing but positive feedback about working with me and that I am a very talented and creative individual who they enjoyed and appreciated immensely.

That does make me feel very warm and fuzzy inside.

And my vendors have started canvassing their own networks to see if there is any freelance or consulting business for me in addition to in-house full-time positions.

I realize Thanksgiving isn't until next week, but this whole experience is reminding me how lucky I am to have the support system that I have.

Our Officiant is Official!

One of the biggest things stressing me out about wedding planning was that we hadn't found an officiant.

Thankfully that ended on Tuesday night at Starbucks in San Juan Capistrano!

Sam had found a couple of additional officiants for us to interview on The Knot and Tom was quick to respond and easy to set up an appointment with.

We were really impressed with how professional Tom looked and how he carried himself.  He was pretty much exactly what we were looking for!

Tom's an elementary school principal, but he has been doing weddings on the side for 6 years starting when his cousin asked him to perform their ceremony on a family vacation in Mexico.  Tom pursued a career in marriage and family therapy before he went into education, which was an unexpected bonus because he definitely gave us a little mini counseling session and didn't seem preachy or judgmental.

He also shared a lot about his own family and assured us that it's totally normal for couples to struggle setting boundaries with parents and in-laws as they enter into marriage.  He told us that from his own personal experience he cannot impress upon us enough the importance of setting boundaries with our parents and families from the very beginning of our married life.

He reinforced the crappy truth that people's feelings are going to get hurt by us setting boundaries whether we do it now or we do it when we have our own kids.  He said there was so much unnecessary drama with his parents based on his own inability to set boundaries with them and it really hurt his wife and his relationship with his parents.

That totally hit home for Sam and I, because we have two AMAZING families that would love to spend every second with us.  Unfortunately, we haven't been able to master the fine art of being in two places at once, so we're trying to split our holidays and time between our families.

If it were just a matter of our parents and siblings, that would be less difficult, but we have three extended families to fit in as well.  Sam's mom's side of the family spends almost every holiday all together, which is a bit daunting for me because I worry about the expectations they will have for Sam and I.  My parents split holidays between my mom's family (grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins) and my dad's family (grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins).  We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with one side, Christmas Day and Easter with the other, and split up Mother's Day and Father's Day.

I think my family is prepared to have Sam and I MIA at family functions and holiday events now that they have to share me (more formally) with the Galles.  It's tough for me though, because I realize that I'm going to miss out on a lot.  We'll only be spending 50% of the holidays with my side of our family.  Of that 50%, probably 33% will be with the Santis, 33% with the Hunters and 33% with just my immediate family.

I am really, really excited about getting married, and I'm sure Sam and I are lucky to have been working on this whole family integration thing over the last 10+ years.  I just wish it was easier.

Rejected

Five weeks ago I was hopeful.  I had been feeling restless about my future and wanted affirmation that
things were going to be okay and that I was headed in the right direction.  I thought I might be standing on the precipice of change.  I thought I wanted things to change.

In the weeks since I have been less and less sure that I desire a change.  There is so much comfort in what we know.  I waited patiently and impatiently depending on how my day was going.

Finally, I started convincing myself that the outcome doesn't matter.  My life is great, I am lucky and I don't need more than I have.

Today I the equivalent of a rejection letter from a college admissions office.  Wow.

I am surprised at how disappointed I am.  How personal the rejection is.  How much I want to go home and crawl into my bed and just escape to sleep.

Instead, I shoved my face full of white cheddar rice cakes and totally blew my calories for today on FitOrbit.  Smooth, Gi.  Real smooth.  Can you say "emotional eating" with me?  This is such a hurdle for me- I self-soothe with food.  It's a lose-lose for me.  Which is so frustrating!  I am upset and feel badly about myself and then I go and screw up my fitness plan which only makes me feel worse.  Cue the vicious, depressive cycle.

So what did I do?  I messaged Amanda and acknowledged that today I failed at something I hoped to succeed at.  And I owned my caloric SNAFU.  Yes, I overate today.  But am I going to throw in the towel, skip my workout, buy a pint of ice cream on the way home and wallow in my self-pity?

Hell no!

I am getting out of here and hitting the gym to complete my daily workout!  And then, I am going to eat  a healthy, balanced dinner- I am not going to make myself feel guilty and try to skip dinner.  (Yes, I really have done that before, but no, it is rarely successful and usually just means I am going to snack later.)  Today is ONE DAY in my week, month, year, life.  It's okay that it wasn't perfect, I have another chance tomorrow and life will go on.

So Much for Rest

Of course, my wonderful & amazing boyfriend has this week off and it's going to be absolutely hell for me...

Why does it have to work out that way???  I had wanted to take a day or two off and spend some quality time with him but that's not going to happen!

My boss's brother arrives today from NYC and he'll be videoing some client testimonials and videos for around our office over the next four days.  

OMG shoot me.  I still haven't even recovered from Jackie's wedding!  I would have loved to relax with Sam and Hunter, spend some quality time as a family and catch up on my reading that has completely gotten out of control.  Sam only gets 4 weeks off as a second year resident and I am going to be irritated for a while that one of his  rare weeks off was spent home with no plans and it fell on a week that was hellacious at work.

Disappointment

Disappointment is one of my greatest inhibitors to success.  The fear of disappointing my parents was something I struggled so much with in college that I worked with a therapist for years to overcome it.  I will never forget what Dr. Annette Cody told me the first day we met, "life is a journey and not everyone in your life will be able to come along with you."  I remember driving home from the appointment wondering which people that would be.

As I learned to stand up for what I believe in, I found that my true friends and my family stuck by me no matter what.  I saw that living in fear of disappointing other people is really a manifestation of my fear of being rejected by the people closest to me.  By allowing other people to dictate my actions I am only disappointing myself and squandering the opportunities in my life.

Some people fell out of my life imminently while others slowly faded into the background and then out of the picture completely.  I let some people go without resistance, but I fought for others until the bitter end.  Even now, I find  myself acknowledging the end of relationships with friends and coworkers.  Sometimes they are moving on to new chapters that I'm not ready to experience yet and sometimes I am moving on before they are ready.  I feel no bitterness at being "left behind" and I don't place blame.  It's said things fall apart so better things can come together- I believe that as old relationships fade new people come into our lives to fill those gaps.

In the last few years I have done some soul-searching.  I have taken stock of the people around me and I have asked myself some tough questions about my life.  Am I happy?  What do I want in life?  I made the decision to purposely distance myself from some people in my life.  It was not easy, but it was not as difficult as I expected it to be either.

I can choose to be disappointed in myself that these friendships weren't as lasting as I had thought they would be, or I can look to the future and begin to surround myself with engaging, supportive people who can provide me the support and and energy I want to have in my life.  I choose the latter.

It's possible that in time paths will cross again, and I welcome that opportunity in the future.