"I'm going to have to let you go"

I went into my boss's office on Monday at 2:05 for our usual, bi-monthly marketing meeting.  I was running a few minutes late because I had received an email from Twitter that our password had been changed so I had to alert them that I hadn't done anything of the sort and change the password back.  When I arrived at my boss's office, our HR manager was there, but I didn't think too much of it.  When I sat down, I had a page of notes to remind me to follow up on our ongoing marketing initiatives and plan for the following two quarters.

As I sat down, my boss began talking.  He said, "I was crunching some numbers over the weekend and it turns out we're not losing money, we're bleeding money.  And I think I'm going to have to..." he paused, and took a moment to compose himself.

He's going to renege on the raise he gave you 6 days ago,  I told myself.

He started again, "I've decide I'm going to have to let you go."

I sat there in a stunned silence.  He started going on about the checks he had cut me, one for the past pay period, one paying me out through the end of the week (which would have been my PTO), and then the reimbursements for my cell phone and internet bills.  My mind was wandering so I was only half paying attention to what he said.

Let me go, but you just gave me a superlative annual review on the November 7, and you gave me a raise on November 11 with another raise promised on June 1, 2014.  You can't possibly be letting me go.

It dawned on me that when I received an email from Twitter saying that our password had been changed it was because the HR assistant was already going through and systematically locking me out of all of the social media and website administration.

What a shot to the gut.

Not only were they letting me go, they didn't trust my professionalism and integrity enough to believe that I wouldn't vindictively tamper with the department and marketing program I worked so hard to build in the last two years.

I was completely removed from the system by the time one of my favorite coworkers helped me carry my belongings to my car.  Standing there, putting his contact information into my phone, I received a message alerting me that my Microsoft Exchange credentials had been changed.

I called Sam, then my Dad and finally my sister while I was driving home and they all expressed the same shock I was feeling.  People don't get magnificent reviews followed by raises and then get laid off.  Certainly not within a two week period.  But I guess they do, because it happened to me.

The bigger shot through my heart came the following morning when I had to watch the emails popping up in my inbox letting me know that I was no longer an administrator for this social media platform or that social media platform.  Yeah, I get it.  I finally logged into the remaining platforms and removed myself.  Pulling the bandaid off quickly is truly less painful than just sitting there waiting for the emails.

Rejected

Five weeks ago I was hopeful.  I had been feeling restless about my future and wanted affirmation that
things were going to be okay and that I was headed in the right direction.  I thought I might be standing on the precipice of change.  I thought I wanted things to change.

In the weeks since I have been less and less sure that I desire a change.  There is so much comfort in what we know.  I waited patiently and impatiently depending on how my day was going.

Finally, I started convincing myself that the outcome doesn't matter.  My life is great, I am lucky and I don't need more than I have.

Today I the equivalent of a rejection letter from a college admissions office.  Wow.

I am surprised at how disappointed I am.  How personal the rejection is.  How much I want to go home and crawl into my bed and just escape to sleep.

Instead, I shoved my face full of white cheddar rice cakes and totally blew my calories for today on FitOrbit.  Smooth, Gi.  Real smooth.  Can you say "emotional eating" with me?  This is such a hurdle for me- I self-soothe with food.  It's a lose-lose for me.  Which is so frustrating!  I am upset and feel badly about myself and then I go and screw up my fitness plan which only makes me feel worse.  Cue the vicious, depressive cycle.

So what did I do?  I messaged Amanda and acknowledged that today I failed at something I hoped to succeed at.  And I owned my caloric SNAFU.  Yes, I overate today.  But am I going to throw in the towel, skip my workout, buy a pint of ice cream on the way home and wallow in my self-pity?

Hell no!

I am getting out of here and hitting the gym to complete my daily workout!  And then, I am going to eat  a healthy, balanced dinner- I am not going to make myself feel guilty and try to skip dinner.  (Yes, I really have done that before, but no, it is rarely successful and usually just means I am going to snack later.)  Today is ONE DAY in my week, month, year, life.  It's okay that it wasn't perfect, I have another chance tomorrow and life will go on.